On hurting myself.

Published October 2, 2012 by mandileighbean

So September got away from me, particularly at the end there, but I’ll be damned if October suffers a similar fate.

A good friend of mine posted an inspiring status on Facebook today, that said something like, “When the first day of the month falls on a Monday, it’s a good time to start something new.”  I couldn’t agree more.

I know this blog is filled with promises that are both empty and broken, but such is my life.  Today, I ran until the pavement ended and my lungs were heaving and desperate for oxygen.  I was so proud of myself – elated, even – but when I returned home, I ate too many french fries.  What’s up with that?  I’m honestly beginning to fear that I create tiny melodramas for myself.  The reason why I would engage in such juvenile behavior is beyond me, unless I am simply refusing to admit that I am nothing more than a silly, stupid girl who is trying too hard to be a woman.

Work is enjoyable and challenging.  I am happy but at times, I am overwhelmed.  I wanted to use the weekend that just passed to catch up on grades and whatnot, but Missy came up with the family.  I was displaced, allowing them to use my bedroom as a homebase and thereby relinquishing my office space, for lack of a better term.  I like to think I am a people pleaser because I generally want those around me to feel happy, blessed, unique and singular, but I’m nervous I do it because I’m a martyr.  Contrary to cinema, there is nothing romantic about being the victim.  It is weak and violating and awful.  I want to be stronger, but wanting and doing are two very different things, no matter how hard I try to rationalize.

Tomorrow, I will be better.

Thank you for your patience.

2 comments on “On hurting myself.

  • ❤ you Bean. Everyone feels that way. It's the moving on with the next step that makes you a stronger person. Don't focus of the "I ate a whole bag of fries." So what? It happens. Be happy you CAN eat them and STILL run tomorrow. 🙂

    • ❤ you. You are SO right. I talk a lot about changing who I am, but I am starting to realize that who I am is not the problem – I need to develop a new, healthier perspective (which a certain administrator said about a billion times during a certain conference haha)

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