Today was not such a good day. For the majority of it, I felt overwhelmed and underwhelming. It was an awful, complicated contradiction in emotion where I was frantic for perfection but fell short of the mark every time, so in turn, I became angry and defensive. During my prep period, I truly had a strong desire to sit by myself and cry – to just let it all out. I behaved like an adult and held it together, but I am still on the fence as to whether or not I did myself any favors.
When I was running, I saw a possum lying in the road. Clearly, the creature had been struck by an automobile and that happens time and time again so in all actuality, there was nothing remarkable about the scene. However, I could not turn my eyes away. It’s dark, beady eyes were still open, looking out at nothing and offering nothing. Similarly, its mouth was still open and I could see sharp, tiny, pointed teeth, as if the poor beast had gone down fighting, teeth bared and snarling against the metal contraption hurtling towards it impossibly fast. Are possums classified as sentient beings? Would it have been horrified to see the headlights bearing down upon him, or would there have been just a moment of simple curiosity? It made me sad to think like that, so I tried to alter my train of thought, but that became impossible when I saw the pavement stained red with blood and realized that somehow, by some scientific logic, the entrails of the animal had exited his frame from the back end and lay whole in the road. It took a moment for my mind to comprehend precisely what it was that my eyes were viewing, but there was no denying the veins, the tissue and the matter that had once been a stomach or a kidney or something important, something that worked to keep the possum alive. I felt nauseous and finally, I was able to look away.
Running clears my mind. It helps me to think and it helps me to be creative. I know I can describe the scene in more detail, and that will most likely be my assignment for the next few days. I want to be a horror writer. I want to be able to create lasting and almost tangible images using only words. The sight of a possum lying dead in the read is not extraordinary or uncommon, but how can it become grotesque so that a reader can perfectly see it to the point of becoming physically uncomfortable? That is what I long to discover, and I suppose that will come in time with patience and practice.
Maybe the devil really is in the details.